Officially 4th November 2015 I can say I am sadly no longer in remission.
“Deal with it” – If you know me , you know that is my attitude. But sometimes even the strongest of people get tired of the fight.
Asking For Help
Past week has been tough. Mentally and emotionally and I am pretty worn out.
I am tired, I work 3 different jobs of which two have been crazy busy. I am also the sole carer for my son and if you are a parent you know the demands this brings.
I am lucky at the moment to get a good nights sleep once a week, I am opening my bowels over 10 times a day and I am suffering with extreme fatigue. The nature of this beast.
I have had to explain for the first time ever to my 11 year old that his mummy has an illness. I have never told him before , I have never had to. My last flare up he didn’t notice, he was too young.
This time, he knows I am sick, he sees me run to the toilet urgently. I avoid eating certain foods and we often do the urgent loo run which has now become a joke between us.
I find it hard to get all the mummy jobs done plus working . What I would normally let go as growing up bad behaviour , I was yelling at him to do better . Just not able to put a perspective on the stress levels.
Not a conversation I was comfortable with telling him.
I cannot explain how shit I feel inside , I feel like I have let him down as a mother.
He told his nan, that he was worried about me. My heart sank when my mum told me this.
Telling him was a difficult choice, and the last thing I want was my 11 year old worrying about his mum.
Today from school he came home and gave me a huge cuddle and was a little tearful. He is such a gem , we had a chat I explained with pictures , the image below , trying to inject some humour into it.
He knows I will be ok, but at the moment I am not until my blood tests are back and medication commences.
I do however feel that I should be able to cope better and not bad tempered because of the tiredness around him. I hate him seeing me ill , looking ill and struggling with my energy levels. Having to ask him to help out more than any other child does , as he doesn’t have a Dad around to share the load, or another brother or sister.
I hate it. I hate I have had to burden him with this , In fact It makes me cry even as I type it.
As anyone with Ulcerative Colitis knows, it impacts your mind, your body , your family , your work and your close friends and this is the hardest part for me – I struggle with this.
Naturally I never ask for help. I guess I have always seen it as a sign of weakness. I don’t like to also burden people with my problems.
In fact I have never burden any of my friends with this or ever asked for help . Pretty unreal really how much I can hide things.
I had been to work the past few days , however I was playing the hero. Being sick but not wanting to be at home , as I didn’t want to let my team down.
However it was fast becoming obvious with my toilet trips, fatigue and pain that I really needed to be at home.
I was in that place where you want your work friends to understand, but you are not sure you really want to talk about your private health, especially of this nature, it is not a easy illness to talk about.
As it turns out , likely the fact I fatigued and just extremely frustrated to be going down this road again , I cried at work!
I had no control over it and I spoke out about how I was feeling and what it was like.
I felt a weight was lifted off my shoulders straight away. I am blessed to have such an understanding group of work colleagues. The support and care is very humbling.
Trust me I don’t need sympathy. I am not built that way.
I just want to raise awareness. UC just knocks your whole system and your body doesn’t cope like a normal person to any stresses. The rash I picked up back in August and the treatment for this has knocked my body down, a few additional work stresses added to that and I find myself ill.
Not because I am unable to cope. I am born to fight , it is as simple as this…my body cannot cope.
I am yet to have my blood results back , but through experience I am pretty sure I am in a full flare up situation and I highly suspect anaemia.
I am now off work and going through my healing nutrition protocol until I hopefully get this UC under control again.
Reality Is My Health Must Come First
I have read so many blogs where people do not feel supported or know how to tell their work colleagues what is going on. They lose their job, or they just don’t work.
The problem with this illness is you look OK. Your illness is not physical. People cannot see your illness , but inside your body speaks another language.
My advice to anyone who is scared to speak up is , just do it. People can’t understand what you’re going through if you don’t share it with them. This is something I do struggle with. I struggle to even ask my own parents for help.
But I feel so much better for receiving their support from work and talking to my son and family.
There is nothing fun about telling someone about your bowels, but unless they see the impact of this disease on your body and health they will never even begin to understand.
I really have the best work friends ever 🙂